Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
by BadKellytheWitch
Summary: Set post season three finale. Marissa is in a coma, and Ryan has made what may be the biggest mistake of his life. I'm not very good at summaries, so just read it and see for yourself, I guess! My second fan fic. Please R&R, I really appreciate it!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer – I DO NOT OWN THE OC.**

**A/N – I don't know where exactly I'm gonna go with this, it's just an idea that popped into my head one day and spilled itself out onto paper. So here we are. If I get a good enough response, I'll continue, if not, I may just leave it as a sort of one shot. If you like this, or even if you don't, please review! It would be much appreciated. Thanks **

He stood on the pier, leaning against the handrail, a cigarette in one hand. As he looked out at the endless ocean, he couldn't help but reflect on what a mess he had created. He took a drag on his cigarette; something he hadn't indulged himself in for about three years. Sandy and Kirsten didn't like smoking, and out of respect for them he had given up. But the recent events had been far from normal. He sighed as the guilt of what he had done washed over him again. He had betrayed his best friend, his brother, the only person that had always been there for him, to offer advice, to come up with ways to get him out of the sticky situations he had always somehow got himself into, however ill-designed they may have been. He had betrayed Marissa, the love of his life, who was now lying in the hospital in a coma. He had betrayed Sandy, Kirsten… all the people who meant anything to him. He felt himself getting lost in thought as the memories of that night came back to him, trying to find some explanation, some excuse for what he had done…

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Kirsten hung up the phone. "No answer," she said. She sounded a little worried, and Ryan looked up at her from his seat at the kitchen table, where he was trying and failing to focus on today's newspaper. "What's up?" he asked, glad for the distraction.

"Seth. I can't get hold of him. He's not answering his cell and there's no answer at Summer's either. He left for her house an hour or so ago, said he wouldn't be long, and I'm getting kind of worried that I haven't heard from him." She frowned, and he could see in her eyes she was more worried than she was letting on. He didn't blame her. She had been so worried about him the night of his and Marissa's accident and with Marissa now in a coma in a hospital bed, she hardly let them out of her sight. She wasn't prepared to lose her sons; she saw what Julie was going through and knew she could never do it. "I'll go. To Summer's. See if he's there. He probably just lost track of time."

"You don't have to do that Ryan, I'm sure he'll be back soon. I'm just being silly."

"No, it's okay. I need to get out of the house. Something to distract me from…" he trailed off. Kirsten nodded. "Thanks, Ryan."

He knocked on Summer's door, but there was no answer. He hadn't seen Seth's car in the driveway, but maybe Summer knew where Seth had gone. After a few minutes of knocking with no answer, he tried the doorknob. To his surprise, it opened. He pushed the door open, calling out. "Hello?" No answer. He walked in, looking around. Into the lounge. He was about to leave, but then he saw Summer sitting alone on the couch. "Summer?" She looked over at him, her eyes filled with pain.

"Seth just left," she said, clearly trying to hold back tears. Ryan looked at her, wondering what to do. He didn't want to leave her alone like this. "Are you home alone?" She nodded. "Dad and Julie went to visit… I mean, they're with…" She couldn't bring herself to say Marissa's name, and there was a definite wobble in her voice now. Ryan couldn't bear to stand seeing her like this; he knew the pain she was feeling, knew she was dying inside. He knew, because he felt exactly the same way. He had tried to bottle up his pain; knew no one else would understand how he was feeling. He loved Marissa, and he had never told her. Didn't want to ruin her chance to get away from Newport, to start a new life. Now she may die, and the sense of loss was indescribable. He didn't know what he would do if she died. Summer had been closest to Marissa besides Ryan, and she felt the same way. He felt compelled to do something, so he went over to the couch and sat beside her. He put his arm around her and hugged her close. She didn't look surprised, didn't try to pull away; just rested her head on his shoulder and wept. He felt her body heave with sobs as she let out all her and pain fear the only way she could. He rubbed her back in a soothing motion, the way he used to when Marissa was upset about something and came to him for a shoulder to cry on. Finally her sobs slowed down, and she looked up at him. "Thanks," she managed to choke out. He smiled at her, and for the first time noticed her beauty. Those beautiful brown eyes, now smudged with mascara, so close to his own, so close, in fact, that he could see the tears glistening in her eyelashes…

What happened after that was almost a blur. It had happened so fast, neither of really thinking about what they were doing. Both seeking comfort in each other, seeking a release from the pain they were feeling, an escape, a refuge. He had kissed her so aggressively on that couch, and she returned it. They moved up into her room and continued their make out session, both of them lost in the moment, forgetting the outside world, who they were hurting, what trouble this could cause. They slept together that night, and Ryan remembered it now; the smoothness of the purple silk sheets, the smell of her hair, the radio playing softly in the background….

I want a lover I don't have to love.  
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fk.  
Where is the kid with the chemicals?  
I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sure  
I got the money if you've got the time  
You said, "It feels good."  
I said, "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark-  
we both forgot where your car was parked  
Let's just take the train  
I'll meet up with the band in the morning  
Bad actors with bad habits  
Some sad singers they just play tragic  
and the phone's ringing and the van's leaving  
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep, keep singing...

I want a lover I don't have to love  
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk  
Where is the kid with the chemicals?  
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full  
I need some meaning I can memorize  
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you…  
But you...  
you write  
such pretty words  
But life's no storybook  
Love's an excuse to get hurt  
and to hurt

Do you like to hurt?  
I do, I do  
then hurt me..  
then hurt me...  
then hurt me...

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"Ryan." He started as his name was called, jolting him out of his thoughts. He dropped his almost finished cigarette to the ground, grinding it with his foot to put it out He turned around to see who had called him. It was Seth. He felt the guilt wash over him again, as it did now every time he set eyes on Seth. "What's up, man?" He could see Seth wasn't just here for a walk; he had been looking for Ryan. Shit, had Summer told him…? No. It was a different kind of look in his eyes; a worried yet hopeful one. "It's Marissa," he said. Ryan started to worry. "What is it?" God, she couldn't be…?

"She's awake."


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! Hope you like this so far. PLEASE R& R, I really appreciate it, and reviews help me know what I'm doing right or wrong. This is only my second fan fic so it's probably not as good as most, but I try! Thanks for reading!

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Ryan and Seth arrived at the hospital and saw Kirsten standing in the waiting room, obviously waiting for them. She looked at Ryan, trying to see how he was holding up. He didn't notice her; he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts. This whole thing was so surreal. The ride over here had been spent in silence, with a million thoughts, feelings and emotions swimming in his head at once. Marissa was awake. Was she going to make a full recovery? Would she remember everything? Did she know how much he loved her? What was going to happen if she was permanently damaged? And, perhaps the most horrifying thought of all, would Summer be there, at the hospital?

"Ryan?" Kirsten put a hand on his shoulder. He started and saw it was Kirsten.

"Yeah?"

"You can go in and see her now. If you want to." Suddenly, his mouth had gone dry and he found he couldn't form the words. He nodded. Kirsten put her arm around his shoulders and led him into the room where Marissa was lying on a hospital bed, tubes and wires everywhere, machines bleeping every so often and a doctor checking over what he assumed was the chart doctors in movies always seemed to need to check. Julie was sitting next to Marissa, holding her hand. Next to her was the person Ryan had been dreading seeing: Summer. He hadn't seen her since that night, as he often referred to it in his head, and didn't want to. He knew that if he saw her again, he would only feel guilt. He also knew they needed to talk about what had happened and decide what to do about it. Obviously it would destroy pretty much everything if it was found out, but could either of them carry a secret that huge?

But Ryan pushed those thoughts out of his mind. He was here to see Marissa. He looked at her, lying there, and felt his heart go out to her. She didn't deserve this. She had been through so much. Why was it that he walked away from the accident that night, unscathed, while she may never be completely normal again? Why? He felt it was his fault; he was driving, if he had only pulled over… why, why, why wasn't it him in that bed? Why was the universe so unfair? If only he could, he would change positions with her in a heartbeat. He felt tears prickling behind his eyelids, but blinked them away. He needed to be strong for Marissa, if he could do nothing else. It was only then he was aware that the doctor was speaking.

"… can't talk yet. The drugs are still wearing off and she'll be a little drowsy for a while."

"Will… is she… will she make a full recovery?" The fear was obvious in Julie's voice. She knew Marissa was badly hurt that night, feared for her wellbeing. What if…?

"It's hard to say at this stage. While it is obvious she will live, she sustained serious head injuries the night of the accident, and also serious spinal injuries. It is possible that Marissa will be mentally retarded or will never walk again." A choked sob came from Summer. Ryan looked over at her and saw his pain reflected in her eyes. He knew what she was feeling, what was running through her mind at that moment, because the same things were going through his. The same thoughts as always, repeated themselves over and over. How could this happen to Marissa? Beautiful, intelligent, caring Marissa? And the one question that was on everyone's lips; _Why? _Questions that couldn't be answered, and that just hurt that little bit more. He wanted to comfort her. She understood what he was going through. He wanted to put his arm around her and say that everything would be okay, though they both knew nothing would ever be okay again.

This is an obsession, a kind of aggression with himself  
It's the way he'll always be  
He loves to rebel to go against his ten commandments  
For him, that's just being free.

But of course, Seth was there, with his arms around her, whispering what he knew were words of reassurance into her ear. Summer let him do this, never breaking eye contact with Ryan. They both knew Seth would never understand what they were going through. He didn't feel the same pain they did, the same heartbreaking pain the loss of a loved one caused. While Marissa wasn't dead, Summer and Ryan both felt they had lost a part of themselves that night. The night neither of them would ever forget; the night Marissa was ripped away from them.

The doctor was still speaking.

"… As I said, it's too early to say yet. As the sedatives wear off and she starts talking we will be able to determine what sort of damage has been done." Everyone sat there in silence, except from sobs from Summer once in a while. The doctor excused himself and left. "Oh, Marissa." Julie sounded as if she were about to cry too, and Ryan couldn't take it anymore. He turned and left the room without a word to anyone. He went out to the kerb and pulled out a cigarette. Before he could light it, however, a passer-by told him "No smoking, buddy. You're at a freaking hospital for chrissakes." Great. Just what he needed. More guilt to add to the giant amount he was feeling already. He felt like he was going to go crazy with it, the guilt of it all. He needed a release, someone to talk to, who understood, someone who could take away this pain, this guilt, if only for a while. Angry tears dripped down his face and he furiously wiped them away. He wasn't going to break down. He couldn't. Marissa needed him, needed him to stay strong. Someone put a hand on his shoulder and his heart leapt. He turned around. It was Kirsten. Not Summer.

And he always will, get his thrills, the only way he knows how  
Well it might make you frown  
But he loves, being that dove, roaming where he cares to go  
To a state of mind that no-one knows

He felt guilty for even thinking of Summer. More guilt. It seemed everything he did made him feel guilty nowadays.

"You okay?" Kirsten asked, obviously concerned.

"Yeah." They both knew he wasn't okay, but Kirsten didn't push it.

"You want me to take you home? We don't have to stay if you don't want to."

"I'll drive myself home. Thanks, though." He turned from her and walked to his car. She watched him go, tears glistening in her eyes. She wanted so desperately to be there for him, to understand what he was going through. But she knew she couldn't, and thought it best if she let him deal alone. She turned and walked back into the hospital.

Ryan lay in the poolhouse, alone, listening to the pouring rain outside. It was only the second time he had ever seen it rain like this in his three years in Newport, and he felt more alone than ever. Seth hardly ever popped in as he used to, understanding Ryan needed his space, but sometimes Ryan just missed his incessant ramblings. Other times he was glad for the silence. Mostly, he just missed Marissa. Her little pop-ins, the making out on the bed, even the awkward silences when they were trying to be 'just friends.' He just missed her. He went to the kitchen to get something to eat, more for something to do than because he was hungry. He found a note; Seth had gone out, probably to Summer's, but the note didn't specify. Sandy was of course at work, and Kirsten was off somewhere with Julie. Some spa, to get Julie's mind off Marissa, probably. He had just finished cream cheesing his bagel when the doorbell rang. Wondering who it could be, he went to answer it. He pulled it open to see the last person he expected.

Summer.

"Can I come in?" She was dripping wet, her black hair plastered to her face. She pushed it out of her eyes, awaiting an answer.

"Seth's not here." Was all he said. She walked inside and shut the front door.

"It's not Seth I'm looking for." She said, pulling Ryan to her and kissing him hard on the lips. He happily kissed her back, forgetting Marissa for the first time in days. Finally they broke apart.

Over there stands my angry angel  
And he's shaking her head, in disgrace with me  
Yeah over there stands my angry angel  
And he's frowning like hell, but I'm not feeling guilty

Ryan realized what he was doing.

"Wait, Summer, we can't do this. Think of who we're hurting. Seth is my best friend, my brother. Marissa… I love Marissa."

"And I love Seth." She kissed him again, harder. While what she did completely contradicted what she said, he understood. They were really all each other had, in a way. Their nights together were a release; a release from the pain, the guilt, the fear. When he was with her he forgot everything. It was that he liked, that feeling of escape. He knew that was why she came back to him too. They had no one else to turn to, so they turned to each other. Sought comfort in each other. He couldn't really explain the complete logic of it; all he knew was that when he was with her, everything was okay. Marissa didn't exist; Seth didn't exist; pain, guilt, fear, lies, none of it existed. All that existed was him and Summer. They moved to the couch, lost within themselves. He was no longer Ryan; she was no longer Summer. They were just two nobodies, trying to escape reality.

Over and over again, more and more for the pain  
To release himself, from this shell  
Time after time, you may glare at  
Him for the way he looks like something drawn up from hell

But that's just his cover  
From what is under it  
All his imagination, his  
Passion for a creation  
Which he has discovered,  
Uncovered a world, of  
Amazing sensations  
His own little nation

I don't care,  
I'm flying…


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm worried about Ryan." Kirsten was leaning against the kitchen bench, Sandy tinkering around behind her, making coffee. "Well, having your girlfriend just wake up from a coma isn't exactly an everyday occurrence." Kirsten sighed.

"It's not just that. I can't explain it, but he's been acting so withdrawn lately, hiding away from everyone. I know he was never exactly a social person, but this thing with Marissa really seems to have hit him hard." Sandy put the coffee pot back on its holder and took a sip from his cup. "He's going through a lot right now. We just gotta give him his space, he'll get through it." Kirsten sighed again.

"I know, I know. It's just hard seeing him like this." Sandy put his coffee down and put his arms around Kirsten's waist. "Honey, it'll be okay. I promise. Everything will turn out fine. If it doesn't, well, we've been through worse things." Kirsten smiled despite herself. "Amen to that." And she kissed him softly. At that precise moment, however, Seth walked in. "Ew." He said, using one of Summer's favourite lines. Sandy and Kirsten broke apart. "Hey Seth," Kirsten said.

"Mother." He nodded his head in acknowledgement and headed straight out to the poolhouse. He returned almost straight away however, with a confused look on his face. "Uh... Ryan didn't come home last night," he said, sounding as confused as he looked. Kirsten threw Sandy a look. "Look, let's not worry yet. Ryan's going through a lot. Maybe he slept over at a friend's house, or got up really early to go for a walk and think, or something. If he doesn't turn up by this afternoon, we'll start asking around for him. Until then let's not panic."

"You're the boss," Seth mumbled, obviously not satisfied with Sandy's reasoning but accepting it all the same. He headed upstairs without another word to either of them. Kirsten and Sandy watched him go with heavy hearts. They hated seeing him like this.

Unbeknownst to them, Ryan had slept over at a friend's house. It wasn't exactly what Sandy had had in mind when he said that, but still. "Are we bad people?" Summer asked. Ryan and she were lying in her bed; they had gone over to her house yesterday, before anyone at the Cohen house got home. Obviously they couldn't stay there for fear of getting caught.

Ryan pondered what Summer had said. "Yes." Was all he said. They couldn't pretend that what they were doing wasn't wrong, but at the same time, neither of them had the strength to end it. "I should go," Ryan said, getting up. He dressed quickly and left, leaving Summer alone. She sighed. "What am I doing," she said to herself. She waited until she heard Ryan's car pull out of the driveway and heaved herself out of bed. She went downstairs and made herself some breakfast. Her dad and Julie were out again; she didn't know where, didn't really care either. She was just making herself some coffee when the phone rang. "Hello?"

"Summer, it's Julie,"

"Julie? What's up? Where are you?"

"I'm at the hospital. Marissa's talking." Summer dropped the phone. She didn't even bother to hang it up, just grabbed her coat and ran out the door.

Ryan pulled into the Cohen's driveway. Seth heard the front door slam and came downstairs. "Hey, Ryan, where were you last night?" Ryan hesitated as he tried to think of a believable story. "At the beach," he said and mentally kicked himself. Bad explanation. Seth looked puzzled again. "You slept at the beach?"

"Didn't sleep," Ryan said and headed into the kitchen for a bagel.

"Hey - !" Sandy and Kirsten began, but he silenced them with a look and headed out to the Poolhouse. Seth walked into the kitchen. "Where's…?" He heard the Poolhouse door slam and stopped. "Oh." He said. He considered going over to see Ryan, then after thinking about the foul mood Ryan seemed to be in, decided against it. Kirsten looked like she was about to say something when the phone rang. The three of them stood looking at each other before Kirsten rolled her eyes and went over to answer it. "Hello? What? She is? That's great! Yes, yes, of course, we'll be there soon." She hung up and looked at them. "Marissa's awake and talking." Seth looked at Sandy.

"I'll go get Ryan," Seth walked out to the Poolhouse and knocked on the door before opening it. "I want to be alone Seth." Ryan said, knowing instinctively who it was.

"Marissa's talking." Ryan looked over at Seth, almost disbelieving. Then –

"Let's go."

He rushed into the hospital room. Marissa was propped up on some pillows; Julie, Summer and Neil were already there. When they saw Ryan they stood up and made to leave. "We'll be back later, honey," Julie said, pushing Marissa's hair away from her face. She gave Ryan a small smile before leaving. Ryan sat next to Marissa on the hard backed chair that was placed by her bed. He held her hand in his and smiled at her. "Good to see you awake," He said. Se just looked at him. "How are you feeling?" He said, in an attempt to keep away the silence. She opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a sort of strangled sob. "I'm so sorry Ryan," she choked, tears streaming down her face now. Ryan was taken aback. "What are you sorry for? You have nothing to be sorry for," he said, but her tears kept coming.

"It was my fault… If I hadn't… If Volcheck… I'm so sorry for putting you through this," she sobbed.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's alright," he said, trying to calm her down. "This wasn't your fault. It was nobody's fault except Volcheck's." She bit her bottom lip, trying to stop crying. It wasn't working. Ryan squeezed her hand to show his support, and felt anger rise inside him. He vowed that if he ever met Volcheck again, the only thing he would be seeing was the inside of a morgue. He would kill him for doing this to Marissa. Kill him. "It's gonna be okay," he said, smoothing her hair from her face the same way Julie had. "You're gonna recover, and everything will go back to how it was." In his heart he knew that wasn't true, but he wanted so desperately to believe it. She knew it wasn't true either; nothing would ever be the same. But, like Ryan, she didn't care right at this very moment. All she wanted was reassurance. She blinked the last of her tears away and took a deep breath. "I love you, Ryan." He looked at her in surprise. That was the last thing he expected her to say. "I love you too, Marissa," he said back without hesitation. And he meant it. "I'm sorry for everything," she said. "And I know it hasn't worked for us in the past, but I want to try again. We'll do it right this time," she smiled at him, and he felt as if his heart would burst. He loved her so much. Despite all they had been through, he still loved her, and he was willing to give it another go too. He didn't know what to say, so he nodded his approval. She smiled at him. Just then, the doctor walked in. "I'm afraid you'll have to leave now. We need to run some tests to see what sort of damage has been done to Miss Cooper," the doctor said. Ryan nodded, still unable to speak. He looked back at Marissa and smiled. "I'll come see you later," he said, and with one last kiss on her forehead, he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan came out of the Poolhouse the next morning, practically skipping. He met Seth in the kitchen. "Morning," he said, and fixed himself a bagel. Seth eyed him suspiciously. "You're very cheerful this morning," he said. "I take it everything went well at the hospital yesterday?" Ryan grinned.

"Marissa and I are giving it another shot." Seth groaned. "I know, we don't exactly have the best track record. But it's going to be different this time. Almost loosing her… I guess it just made me realize how much I love her," he said. Seth looked at him.

"Well, I wish you luck with that buddy. I really hope it works out for you this time. You guys deserve a bit of normality for once." He poured himself some coffee. "So what are your plans for the day?" Ryan thought for a second.

"Well, I was going to spend most of the day with Marissa. I know she'll be nervous about her test results coming back and I want to be there to help her get through it," Seth looked alarmed. "They come back today?" he asked.

"No, they won't come back until tomorrow at the earliest, but still." He said. Seth grinned. "Y'know, you could have just said you wanted to see her." Ryan opened his mouth to reply, and then stopped. "I could have…" he said, almost wondering why he hadn't. Seth laughed at him. "Well, guess I'm sitting home reading comics by myself today." Ryan looked puzzled.

"You're not going to see Summer?"

"Not until tonight," he said, grabbing a bagel. "Why time you going to the Hospital?"

"Not till ten," Ryan said.

"Cool. Wanna play some playstation?" Ryan nodded and they headed out to the Poolhouse. Finally, it seemed things were going back to normal.

Kirsten and Sandy were still in bed. They never slept this late, even on weekends, and Kirsten was surprised when she was awoken at 9:30am by the phone ringing. She ignored it for a while, then realizing Ryan and Seth weren't going to answer it, she picked it up.

"Hello?" she said, still half asleep.

"Marissa's test results are back." It was Julie.

"What, already?" It had only been one day.

"Yeah. The lab hasn't had much work to do lately, or something. Anyway. I wondered if you'd come with me when they told us what…" She trailed off. "I need you there, Kiki," she said softly. Kirsten rubbed her eyes in an attempt to wake herself up. "Of course I'll come," she said. "What time do you want us there?" There was a pause.

"Ten?"

"I'll see you soon." She hung up.

"Who was that?" Sandy asked. Kirsten was getting up and dressing.

"Julie. Marissa's test results are back."

"Already?" He sounded surprised.

"That's what I said." She replied, and hurried downstairs to get Ryan. He would want to be there for this. He wasn't in the lounge or kitchen, so she assumed he must be in the Poolhouse. She rushed over and pulled the door open, not bothering to knock. Seth and Ryan were sitting on the floor playing playstation. "Hey mom, what's up?" Seth asked.

"Marissa's test results are back," she said, wasting no time.

"Already?" Ryan asked, getting up to follow Kirsten out to the car. Seth shook his head and followed closely behind them, leaving his ninja to be massacred.

"There seems to be no permanent damage done to Miss Cooper," the doctor was saying. Everyone in the room broke out into a smile. "That's great!" Julie said. "See honey, I told you everything would be okay." She beamed at Marissa. The doctor looked awkward.

"However," he said. Everyone stopped smiling and turned to look at him. "There was extensive damage to Miss Cooper's spinal cord, and we were worried that she may not be able to walk again. We see now this isn't the case," everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "But," he said, "She will have to relearn how to walk." This last comment was met with total silence. The silence was broken by Marissa's shaky voice. "How long will that take?" She asked.

"A few months, probably. Don't worry, Miss Cooper. Many people have done it before and you're a fighter. We have the best facilities here and will attempt to aid you in any way possible." This didn't appear to make Marissa feel any better though.

"I have to learn to walk again," she said to herself in disbelief.

"We can get started on that as soon as you're ready. Since you've been awake for a few days now your body is back into the swing of things so you should be able to focus on that." But they were barely listening to him anymore. All were lost in thought.

"I want to be alone now," Marissa said. All looked at her in surprise.

"Honey…" Julie began.

"Please." She said. Julie sighed and made her way to the door. Everyone got up to follow her, but Ryan paused. "We'll get through this," he said, kissing her on the forehead before leaving.

"So, college soon huh?" Seth and Summer were sitting on her couch, talking. It was 9pm, almost 11 hours since they had left they had left the hospital and yet she couldn't get the memory out of her mind. She registered what Seth had said and almost laughed. "Don't be stupid, Seth. I'm not going to College." He looked taken aback.

"What? Why not?"

"I can't believe that you're even asking me that. How could I go to college now? With Coop like this? She needs me. I need to be here for her."

"So what, you're going to go to Brown next year instead?"

"I'm not going to Brown Seth. Ever."

"What?" Seth was thoroughly confused now.

"I've been thinking about this for a while now. Since the crash. I'm transferring to Berkeley."

"What? Why? Summer, Brown is one of the most prestigious schools in the country. Why would you give that up?"

"I'm not leaving Coop again. I need to be with her. I… That night, I felt like I had lost a part of me. I couldn't bear it if she had died… It just made me realize I'm not ready to leave this place. My whole life is here. You of all people understand that," she said. It was a low blow, brining Seth's bout of cold feet back up, but she wanted him to understand. Needed him to understand.

"But Marissa will recover. You heard the doctor. There's no need to transfer." Summer felt like she was going to cry. He didn't understand.

"You don't understand, Seth," she said.

"Explain it to me then." He said. He could see she was upset, wanted to fix things, wanted to understand.

"I can't do this right now," she said, tears dripping down her cheeks. She ran out the door to her car, leaving Seth sitting on the couch, utterly bewildered. He felt like he was loosing her, and he didn't know what to do about it.

Summer hopped in her car, not knowing where she was going, yet at the same time, knowing exactly where she was going. To Ryan. The only person who understood her.

I don't wanna do this anymore  
I don't wanna be the reason why   
Everytime I walk out the door  
I see him die a little more inside  
I don't wanna hurt him anymore  
I don't wanna take away his life  
I don't wanna be...  
a murderer…


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, I really hope you're enjoying this so far. If you like it PLEASE review, it's what keeps me writing! Even if you don't like it, tell me what I'm doing wrong and I'll try to make it better. I'm always open to suggestion! Thanks again guys, and happy reading :)**

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It was quiet. Why was it quiet? Ryan opened his eyes. They had stopped rolling. He pulled himself out of the car. "Ouch," he muttered to himself quietly. He hurt. Everywhere. He lent on the car and pulled himself up. Then he saw something that sent him into a panic. Fire. The car was on fire. "Shit," he said, and hobbled as quickly as he could to the passenger side of the car. He lent down and into the car. He looked up and saw gas dripping from the roof. "Oh crap," he thought, and grabbed Marissa's arms, dragging her out of the car. He picked her up and cradled her in his arms, carrying her away from the car. He didn't have the strength to run, so he walked. All he was thinking about was getting away from that car before it exploded. He looked down at Marissa. She seemed to be unconscious. "Oh, no," he thought. "Please let her be okay..." the car burst into flames behind him, but he barely noticed. He stopped in the middle of the road and put Marissa half down, still cradling her head. She opened her eyes. "Thank God," he thought. "Hey, it's okay, I'm gonna go get help," he said. Marissa tried to shake her head.

"No… don't… don't leave," she said. "Don't leave." Ryan blinked back tears.

"Okay, I won't leave you, it's okay, I'm staying, see, I'm not going anywhere." Marissa swallowed loudly. It sounded like it took her a lot of effort. "Don't… Don leave…" she said, slurring her words now. Her eyelids fluttered shut. "No," he said, tears running down his cheeks now. "No, Marissa, come one, wake up," he said, gently shaking her. She didn't wake up. He had to get help. He felt around in his pocket for his cellphone. It wasn't there. "Shit," he thought. "Must have fallen out in the car…" he felt in Marissa's pockets for her cellphone. He found it in her jeans pocket. He pulled it out and flipped it open to dial. "Ambulance," he said when they answered. He gave the details of his location as best he could.

It felt like an eternity until they came. He passed the time by talking to her, Marissa, though it was obvious she couldn't hear a word he was saying. He guessed he was talking to keep himself from passing out from shock rather than anything else. Finally the paramedics arrived. He watched as they lifted Marissa from his arms and carried her to the ambulance. He couldn't bring himself to move. He sat there, on the road, watching everything happening like it was in a movie. It was all so surreal.

One of the paramedics came over to him. "Ryan," he said. "Ryan…"

Ryan jolted awake. Kirsten was banging on the poolhouse door, calling his name. "Ryan, are you in there?" She tried the handle but it was locked. "Shit," Ryan muttered to himself. He looked over at the till sleeping Summer and shook her awake. "Huh?" she muttered. He motioned for her to be quiet. "Hide," he said. She got up and ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Ryan got up and unlocked the door for Kirsten. "Finally," she said when he opened the door. "I've been knocking for ten minutes. Why was the door locked?"

"Uh… I locked it last night when I was getting changed," he lied. "I know Seth is prone to walking in on things like that so I thought I'd save both of us the embarrassment. I must have forgotten to unlock it before I went to sleep." Kirsten smiled.

"Okay. Well, I just wondered if you wanted to come to the hospital with me. Julie asked me to go, so…" She trailed off.

"Um, maybe I'll go later. I'm not really ready, so…"

"I could wait."

"No, it's okay. You go. I'll… hang here for a bit."

"Okay." Kirsten smiled at him and turned to go. Ryan shut the poolhouse door and let out a sigh of relief.

Doing everything by halves,  
You got a real flare with excuses  
Meeting someone at the bar,  
Where loose ends still have uses

Summer came out from the bathroom. Ryan sighed. "This has to end," he said.

It's complicated,  
(This time I think it could be)  
Triangulated,   
(It could be just what we need)  
So what you say, we give it up and walk away?  
We're overrated, anyway

"I know." Summer said. She looked almost… relieved. That one of them was finally ending it. "Marissa and I are back together…" he said, trailing off.

We're kissing without kissing,  
And got it down to a fine art  
Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky,  
But we grew up and wide apart  
Not now, not ever, no… it's never a good time  
How will the good times ever roll on?  
Comparing photos then and now, now and then,  
Just wondering… (Wondering) where it all went wrong

"I need to be there for her." Summer nodded.

"And I need to be there for her too. I can't do this to her." She said. "I love Seth and… we can't do this."

It's complicated,  
(This time I think it could be)  
Triangulated,   
(It could be just what we need)  
So what d'you say, we give it up and walk away?  
Nothing to salvage anyway

"What are we going to tell them?" Summer looked almost fearful. Ryan was quiet, thinking. "I think it's best we don't tell them." Summer opened her mouth to argue, but thought better of it. She didn't want to hurt Seth. "You're right." She said. He nodded to her. "Go out the back," She nodded and grabbed her purse. She faltered at the door.

"Bye, Chino." She said, then turned and ran from the Poolhouse, and the biggest secret she would ever have to keep.

"Summer? Can I talk to you?" Seth was at Summer's house. No one came to the door when he knocked so he had gone straight in. "In here, Seth," he heard Summer's voice coming from the lounge. He walked in to see her sitting on the couch, knees pulled up against her chest. She was wearing Marissa's Berkeley sweatshirt. "You okay?" Seth sat next to her on the couch. She sighed. "Yeah." There was an awkward silence.

"Listen, Summer, I'm sorry about the other day," Seth began. "I understand that you can't leave Marissa and… Well, I've decided I'll transfer to Berkeley too. That way we can all be together. The Fantastic Four." He smiled at her. Her eyes swam with tears.

"You mean it?" She said.

"Yeah. Besides, it'll make my parents happy." She grinned at him and pulled him into a kiss. How could she have ever doubted him? "I love you," she said.

"I love you too, Summer," he said, barely containing a grin. Finally, they were happy.

**I was thinking of skipping to a few months in the future from here; there's just no point going through many months of Marissa learning to walk again, as it would get a bit repetitive. Let me know what you guys think? Thanks!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get this chapter up, I've had this play on that has taken up pretty much every spare moment of my time. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea how long it takes for someone to re-learn how to walk, nor do I know what it's like, so bear with me. I'm going to guess it'd take about 6 months to re-learn how to walk; therefore my next two chapters will be at three month intervals. That was you get an idea as to what's going on, but it doesn't get all boring and repetitive. They'll probably be short chapters too as like I said before, I have no idea what happens when you re-learn how to walk, and a search on the internet was no help. Oh, and this is written from Ryan's point of view, as it usually is. Anyway, as usual, please R&R, it's greatly appreciated: ) Happy Reading.**

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"You're doing well, Marissa," the doctor kept saying that over and over, and I could see it wasn't helping. "I've fallen like six times, how is that doing well?" she snapped. I could hear the frustration in her voice, see it on her face. I tried to reassure her. "Marissa, honey, it's okay. No one said this was gonna be easy. Just keep trying. You can do it, I know you can." She looked like she wanted to snap at me too, but just closed her eyes, took a deep breath and pulled herself up with the bars to try again.

The past few months had been hard on all of us. As soon as Marissa had recovered from her other various injuries resulting from the car crash, the doctors had put her in physio to start working on her walking again. I remember her excitement as she realized she could move her toes. We were sitting on her bed, waiting for the doctor to come in. She was staring at the floor, or so I thought, until she burst out with "My toes! I can move my toes!" I followed her gaze Her toes were wiggling. Not as well as I could wiggle mine, but they were moving. I broke into a grin. Marissa sounded so excited, and why shouldn't she be? We had been going to physio for three days now, focusing mainly on her regaining control of her muscles, but with no results yet. I could see the disappointment and worry on her face at the end of that hour each day, and my heart went out to her. I wanted so much to be able to help, but I knew I couldn't. So moving toes definitely seemed like a breakthrough.

The doctor didn't seem to share our enthusiasm. When she told him all he managed was a distracted smile and a "good." The smile quickly left Marissa's face. I guess she realized then that, even though this was, as the doctor said, good, there was still a long way to go. She continued going to physio for an hour each day until about a month ago, when it was extended to two. She had regained some use of her legs and was using the parallel bars to hold herself up as she learnt how to walk again. She was still very clumsy and unsteady, hence the falling down.

"Argh!" Marissa moaned as she fell down, again. She made no move to pull herself back up. The physiotherapist went over to help her, but Marissa batted her hand away. "Leave me alone!" she said. Tears of frustration dripped down her face. The physio looked sympathetic. "I know its hard Marissa, but you've got to keep trying. You're making great progress," she said. Marissa shook her head.

"It's hopeless. I'll never walk again." The physio looked over at me.

"Maybe we'll take a break. Have a drink and a rest for a few minutes, then we'll continue, okay?" Marissa took no notice, so I answered for her.

"That'd be great, thanks," I said. The physio smiled at me and went to talk to one of the doctors. I bent down to where Marissa was sitting on the floor. "You okay?" I said. She sighed and wiped away the tears. "Yeah. It's just so…" I was expecting her to say hard.

"…embarrassing. I feel like a failure." I almost laughed.

"Oh, Marissa, honey! There's nothing to be embarrassed about! No one expects you to learn to walk again just like that. It'll take time and we're all here for you." As if on cue, Summer came in. She spotted us and walked over. "Hey Coop! What are you doing down there? Ugh, do you know what's been on that floor? Come on, lets get you to a seat." Marissa smiled. She was probably thinking the same thing as me; typical Summer, the first thing she thinks of is the dirt on the floor. I bent down and picked Marissa up and carried her to a chair. "Ryan, want to help me get drinks?" Summer motioned to a table with a water pitcher and some cups on it. I nodded. "We'll be right back, kay Coop?" Summer said to Marissa, and then led the way over to the table. I smiled at Marissa before following. "How's she doing?" Summer asked me when we were out of earshot.

"Okay. I think she's just getting frustrated."

"I don't blame her," Summer said, glancing over at Marissa sitting in the chair. "Listen, I'll take over here for a while. You've been here since seven this morning. Go home and have some lunch." Now that she mentioned lunch, I realized how hungry I was.

"Thanks, Sum," I said, smiling at her. She grimaced at my use of her nickname, and I laughed. "I'll take Coop's water over. You get going." She walked over to Marissa with the cup of water and I made for the door. But when I reached it, I wondered what I was doing. How could I leave Marissa when she needed me? I could eat later, for now I needed to stay. I turned around to go back, then stopped again. Marissa and Summer were chatting animatedly about whatever it is girls chatted about, and I decided I should just go. I stood watching them for a second, a smile on my face. Everything was going to be just fine.


End file.
